An eloquent plea

An eloquent plea

Wilt thou forgive that sin where I begun
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt thou forgive that sin, through which I run,
And do run still, though still I do deplore?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

Wilt thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sin their door?
Wilt thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallow’d in, a score?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

I have a sin of fear, that when I have spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;
But swear by thyself, that at my death thy Son
Shall shine as he shines now, and heretofore;
And, having done that, thou hast done;
I fear no more.

(HYMN TO GOD THE FATHER)

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Pro-life?

Pro-life?

I’d be grateful if someone would explain why certain federal states in the USA have made illegal the termination of pregnancy at any stage of fetal development (with minimal concessions to maternal well-being) while at the same time continuing to legislate the Right to Bear Arms.

Surely, those who take the commandment Thou Shalt Not Kill seriously cannot believe  it is OK to have no laws preventing the freedom to buy firearms whose purpose is to maim and kill. Pro-lifers who are vocal about the preservation of all life should perhaps lobby just as strongly for gun-control measures. Rueful condemnation of mass shootings by deranged gun-toting individuals as “…stuff happens” is not a great answer.

With regard to the abortion issue, my personal opinion is that none of us is perfect and each case should be judged on its own merits. But while pontificating about the precious life of babies in the womb, pro-lifers not forget that the life of each innocent victim of gun crime was equally precious from the moment of its conception. Those victims had names and families.  They, too, were created in the image of God.

 

 

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The Well-tempered Viola

The Well-tempered Viola

I came to music late in life. When it came to choosing an instrument, I was advised that since I was already middle-aged (a euphemism for ‘very old’) I should choose a less popular instrument in order to increase my chances of ultimately ‘getting somewhere’.  That immediately ruled out the violin, flute, and clarinet.  The remaining choices boiled down to double bass, bassoon or viola.  My husband, son, and son-in-law all play accoustic double bass, and we already had a houseful of  these large instruments (plus stools), I wasn’t keen to add to that clutter.  I experimented briefly with the bassoon, but was unable to make any sound blowing through its double reed.  In the end my choice of the viola was pretty straightforward, despite a tongue-in-cheek description of it as ein pensions inztrument!

The viola is bigger than the violin, but it’s definitely not a ‘big violin’.  The range of its notes sits between that of the violin and cello, and its timbre is deep and soulful.  Because of its size, and the fact that it plays music written in a unique clef the viola is not an easy instrument to master.  I began lessons with my kids’ violin teacher.  In fact, I’m still having lessons! But now I’ve progressed to playing in orchestras, and I absolutely love it. There is something quite magical about the discipline and hierarchy of a symphony orchestra. Violas sit right in the centre, in the middle of the strings, and play the middle registers. Occasionally they are given achingly beautiful solos, but they are generally the orchestra’s middle-men, responsible for much of the rhythm and texture.  As a late starter I sit at the back of the section, often just forward of the noisy brass. I can no longer read the music without my special music glasses, hence my view of a distant conductor is somewhat blurred—a physical inconvenience not usually appreciated by the ‘wunderkinds’ who occupy the front desks.  The particular strength of the viola is fully revealed in chamber music where it has its own solo voice, and the physical logistics are easier to manage. Playing in a string quartet has become my favourite pastime.

Before taking up the viola I couldn’t read music, and learning to do so was a real slog. Music for the viola is written in the alto clef, so  that’s the clef I started with, and it’s really the only one I with which I am totally comfortable.  Whenever my particular line of music ascends into the higher reaches of the stave and the notation switches to treble clef,  I have a slight frisson about the mental gymnastics required  to transpose up or down by a whole tone.  If you learn to do this at a young age, like players who start out on violin do, it becomes second nature—but it’s not that simple if your brain’s neural synapses are already hard-wired!  Transposition between alto and treble clef is particularly annoying when the music notation weaves in and out between both clefs just so that the notes can be kept neatly on the stave. Remembering in which clef you’re playing becomes a bugbear.

If musical instruments were to be assigned personality types within the ancient Greco-Roman Four Temperaments (sanguine, melancholic, phlegmatic, choleric), which would represent the viola?  The short answer is phlegmatic!  Violas are most often unbiased peacemakers, calm, even-tempered listeners, generous providers of harmony, forgivers of mistakes, and invariably remain unoffended by the litany of jokes at their expense (indeed, they are often the best teller and collector of such jokes).   If the orchestra were to be compared to a meal, and the Strings were to provide its libation, the cellos would be the wine bottle, violins the bottle’s label, but the wine itself ? Well, that would be us, violas!

My grown-up children who are now all proficient musicians will happily tell you that they have endured years of hearing dreadful viola practice, and that moreover, it’s still on the go!  But, being ever the phlegmatic violist, I continue to accept frustrations, finger callouses and shoulder stiffness, and press on regardless.  In terms of sheer enjoyment it continues to be worth all the effort involved.

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A miscarriage

A miscarriage

I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks while on a week’s holiday in Menorca forty years ago. Time heals the hurt but never erases the memory. In those days we didn’t talk about such things, much less write about them, but now that I have this blog, the time is right.

After we arrived at the hotel I noticed a single drop of bright red blood on my underclothes.  I wasn’t particularly alarmed but felt I should perhaps have a check- up, just in case.  At the island’s cottage hospital I was sent for an ultrasound scan.  When the sonographer passed the probe over my stomach I craned my head to see the screen, and was immediately reassured by the sight of a grainy blob resembling a baby. A white-coated doctor then entered the room, asking an orderly who had mastered tourist English to translate the following: “I’m very sorry, there is no heartbeat, your baby is dead.”  We were stunned – completely numb. He added, “also, this pregnancy is not as far advanced as you say – according to the measurements fetal demise occurred at least three weeks ago”.  In other words I had been carrying a dead baby inside me for the past month!  I was shocked and totally speechless.  The doctor informed us that I needed to have surgery to remove the dead foetus, and that this had to be done soon.  He could not vouch for my safety airborne at altitude if I discharged myself in order to fly back to Britain for the procedure.

All night long I lay rigid in a hospital bed with my eyes wide open and my hands hovering protectively over my slightly rounded belly.  I willed the inert mound to move, even just slightly, in order to prove that the doctor had been mistaken.  Above my head hung a clipboard with my details.  I could just make out the diagnosis printed underneath: Gravid: negativo. Muerte fetal.  My baby was muerte. Dead! How could this have happened without my knowledge? What had I been doing a month ago that would cause my precious baby to die? Perhaps I shouldn’t have wielded that heavy vacuum cleaner…  or maybe it was all those unripe plums I had eaten.

Next morning the young patient in the bed next to me smiled sympathetically, and the Spanish nurse who came to prepare me for surgery tried to reassure me via sign language. But I was beyond comforting; I just lay there as stiff as a plank, and silent like a corpse.  Eventually I was wheeled away into the operating room. When I came round from the anaesthetic my husband was sitting on a chair beside me.  Instinctively I put my hand out to feel my belly – it was now as flat as a pancake. I turned my face to the wall and tried to be brave, blotting out the cries of newborn babies wailing in their bassinets.

A few days later, at Mahon airport, along  with a throng of tanned returning holiday makers, we boarded the aircraft that would take us home to Britain.  I’ll never forget peering down at the receding view of a dot of land in the middle of a twinkling blue sea, sad that we had left part of ourselves behind on that sunny Spanish island.

 

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My memoir

My memoir

 

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