Autobiographical

Viola jokes

Viola jokes

Why do musicians poke fun at the viola?  “Viola players are to violinists what Belgians are to the French: pleasant neighbours which we love to make fun of”, says French music critic Tristan Labouret, himself a viola player.  Historically speaking it probably began in the 1700s.  Having evolved from the baroque viol or viola da gamba which was played upright between the legs the modern viola is played dbraccio (on the arm).  Larger than the violin but smaller than its parent the viol, a viola projects less brightly than it would wish to, its main strength lying in rich darker tones.  In 18th century baroque ensembles, viola parts often consisted of “fillers” rather than solo melodies and its players were mediocre musicians on lower pay.  In the 19th century the viola came into its own as a solo instrument. Mozart, Beethoven, Dvorak, Schubert, and other great composers all played the viola and understood its potential, and some great concertos for viola have been written.  Yet the viola joke endures.

Nowadays we amateur violists are often loyal members of a local orchestra, usually arriving early at the rehearsals to set out the seats.  We may struggle with annoyances due to unwieldy desk-sharing, or by having to execute a flash of impossibly exposed music in the middle of an acre of wallpaper harmonies, but we’re generally a cheery and committed bunch, and there’s often a waiting list of players wanting to join.

I was once lucky enough to get a place as the fourteenth viola in a prestigious audition-free amateur symphony orchestra.  The problem was that I was seated so far back in the section that I could hardly make out the conductor with my music specs on – his baton was just a blur in the distance over the many rows of heads in before me.  Also, I was right in front of the noisy brass with their ear-piercing blasts. Even though they played behind baffles and I had invested in light earplugs to muffle their more strident passages, reading the music, fiddling with earplug volumes, and at the same time trying to turn pages for my (better) desk partner did not make for great playing.   After a few months of this frustrating combo it all became too much, and regretfully I resigned.  Needless to say, my place was immediately filled by another keen violist who was delighted to come off the waiting list.  I wished him all the best – I was sure he’d do well, being young, tall,  and the owner of a music case emblazoned with National Youth Orchestra stickers…

There is something refreshing about the ability to laugh at oneself. I love laughter and relish seeing the funny side of things – especially at my own expense- which is  why I can’t resist viola jokes.  Here are just a few:

How do you keep a violin from getting stolen?  Put it in a viola case.

How can you tell a viola player’s age?  Cut the top of his head and count the rings.

What’s another name for viola auditions?  Scratch lottery.

What do you call a viola player with half a brain?  Gifted.

How do you get viola player to play a passage tremolando?  Mark it SOLO.

How can you make a violin sound like a viola?  Sit in the back row and pretend to play.

Why are violas larger than violins?  It’s an optical illusion – viola players have small heads.

What’s the only thing a violinist can do better than a violist?  Play the viola.

 

 

 

Posted by f.v.robb in Autobiographical, Music, 1 comment
Fencing the Table

Fencing the Table

Holy Communion commemorates the Last Supper of Jesus with his disciples.  It is a sacrament that is at the heart of all Christian worship.  A vision of the Church universal, symbolically united as one body, becomes particularly meaningful when Christians gather together at the same table.   Certain denominations practise ‘closed communion’, otherwise known as ‘fencing the table’, which restricts the administration of bread and wine just to believers deemed to be “spiritually worthy” (firm faith, repentant of sins, exemplary life).  Congregants whose faith is ambivalent or lacking are welcome to attend the service but may not partake of the elements.  Those who uphold this view say it it is justified in order to uphold the dignity and integrity of the sacrament.

However, many Christians object to its exclusivity.  Is it right to exclude anyone for whose very sake the Lord instituted the Supper?  Dividing a congregation up into ‘them’ and ‘us’ undermines Christ’s commandment to love our neighbours; and it’s not difficult to deduce that those whose consciences are super-charged may never feel they worthy enough.  Jesus Himself was radically free in his table fellowship.  He shared food with many people on the margins – outcasts, tax collectors, etc.  Meals with him were not reserved for those who demonstrated  particular holiness or sanctity.

With ‘open communion’ there is transformative potential, and John Wesley referred to it as a “converting sacrament” (Journal2:361).  For many Christians admission to Holy Communion was often this early experience of the inclusiveness of  God’s love, which transformed them from seekers to converts.   Certainly, this was my own experience: the Methodist minister who generously welcomed me to the Lord’s Table many decades ago had no idea how momentous that particular occasion was for me, and how it became the cornerstone and turning point of my long-delayed conversion to the Christian faith.  Keen evangelists afire with the zeal to garner souls for Christ would do well to be aware of this special reformative potential, and to be mindful that while he church has the honour of overseeing the Lord’s Table, ultimately it is Christ who is the Host. His role should not be usurped.

What then are we to make of Paul’s warning to the Corinthians (1 Cor.11:17-34) not to approach the Lord’s Table in an unworthy manner?  I believe that the real issue lies not in measuring spiritual worth, but in gauging spiritual need.  Except by God’s mercy no one is ever truly worthy, yet each one of us needs His grace, always freely given. So, if there is to be any fence, let it be one that shows we are all the sheep of His fold.

 

 

 

 

 

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The Well-tempered Viola

The Well-tempered Viola

I came to music late in life. When it came to choosing an instrument, I was advised that since I was already middle-aged (a euphemism for ‘very old’) I should choose a less popular instrument in order to increase my chances of ultimately ‘getting somewhere’.  That immediately ruled out the violin, flute, and clarinet.  The remaining choices boiled down to double bass, bassoon or viola.  My husband, son, and son-in-law all play accoustic double bass, and we already had a houseful of  these large instruments (plus stools), I wasn’t keen to add to that clutter.  I experimented briefly with the bassoon, but was unable to make any sound blowing through its double reed.  In the end my choice of the viola was pretty straightforward, despite a tongue-in-cheek description of it as ein pensions inztrument!

The viola is bigger than the violin, but it’s definitely not a ‘big violin’.  The range of its notes sits between that of the violin and cello, and its timbre is deep and soulful.  Because of its size, and the fact that it plays music written in a unique clef the viola is not an easy instrument to master.  I began lessons with my kids’ violin teacher.  In fact, I’m still having lessons! But now I’ve progressed to playing in orchestras, and I absolutely love it. There is something quite magical about the discipline and hierarchy of a symphony orchestra. Violas sit right in the centre, in the middle of the strings, and play the middle registers. Occasionally they are given achingly beautiful solos, but they are generally the orchestra’s middle-men, responsible for much of the rhythm and texture.  As a late starter I sit at the back of the section, often just forward of the noisy brass. I can no longer read the music without my special music glasses, hence my view of a distant conductor is somewhat blurred—a physical inconvenience not usually appreciated by the ‘wunderkinds’ who occupy the front desks.  The particular strength of the viola is fully revealed in chamber music where it has its own solo voice, and the physical logistics are easier to manage. Playing in a string quartet has become my favourite pastime.

Before taking up the viola I couldn’t read music, and learning to do so was a real slog. Music for the viola is written in the alto clef, so  that’s the clef I started with, and it’s really the only one I with which I am totally comfortable.  Whenever my particular line of music ascends into the higher reaches of the stave and the notation switches to treble clef,  I have a slight frisson about the mental gymnastics required  to transpose up or down by a whole tone.  If you learn to do this at a young age, like players who start out on violin do, it becomes second nature—but it’s not that simple if your brain’s neural synapses are already hard-wired!  Transposition between alto and treble clef is particularly annoying when the music notation weaves in and out between both clefs just so that the notes can be kept neatly on the stave. Remembering in which clef you’re playing becomes a bugbear.

If musical instruments were to be assigned personality types within the ancient Greco-Roman Four Temperaments (sanguine, melancholic, phlegmatic, choleric), which would represent the viola?  The short answer is phlegmatic!  Violas are most often unbiased peacemakers, calm, even-tempered listeners, generous providers of harmony, forgivers of mistakes, and invariably remain unoffended by the litany of jokes at their expense (indeed, they are often the best teller and collector of such jokes).   If the orchestra were to be compared to a meal, and the Strings were to provide its libation, the cellos would be the wine bottle, violins the bottle’s label, but the wine itself ? Well, that would be us, violas!

My grown-up children who are now all proficient musicians will happily tell you that they have endured years of hearing dreadful viola practice, and that moreover, it’s still on the go!  But, being ever the phlegmatic violist, I continue to accept frustrations, finger callouses and shoulder stiffness, and press on regardless.  In terms of sheer enjoyment it continues to be worth all the effort involved.

Posted by f.v.robb in Autobiographical, Music, 1 comment
A miscarriage

A miscarriage

I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks while on a week’s holiday in Menorca forty years ago. Time heals the hurt but never erases the memory. In those days we didn’t talk about such things, much less write about them, but now that I have this blog, the time is right.

After we arrived at the hotel I noticed a single drop of bright red blood on my underclothes.  I wasn’t particularly alarmed but felt I should perhaps have a check- up, just in case.  At the island’s cottage hospital I was sent for an ultrasound scan.  When the sonographer passed the probe over my stomach I craned my head to see the screen, and was immediately reassured by the sight of a grainy blob resembling a baby. A white-coated doctor then entered the room, asking an orderly who had mastered tourist English to translate the following: “I’m very sorry, there is no heartbeat, your baby is dead.”  We were stunned – completely numb. He added, “also, this pregnancy is not as far advanced as you say – according to the measurements fetal demise occurred at least three weeks ago”.  In other words I had been carrying a dead baby inside me for the past month!  I was shocked and totally speechless.  The doctor informed us that I needed to have surgery to remove the dead foetus, and that this had to be done soon.  He could not vouch for my safety airborne at altitude if I discharged myself in order to fly back to Britain for the procedure.

All night long I lay rigid in a hospital bed with my eyes wide open and my hands hovering protectively over my slightly rounded belly.  I willed the inert mound to move, even just slightly, in order to prove that the doctor had been mistaken.  Above my head hung a clipboard with my details.  I could just make out the diagnosis printed underneath: Gravid: negativo. Muerte fetal.  My baby was muerte. Dead! How could this have happened without my knowledge? What had I been doing a month ago that would cause my precious baby to die? Perhaps I shouldn’t have wielded that heavy vacuum cleaner…  or maybe it was all those unripe plums I had eaten.

Next morning the young patient in the bed next to me smiled sympathetically, and the Spanish nurse who came to prepare me for surgery tried to reassure me via sign language. But I was beyond comforting; I just lay there as stiff as a plank, and silent like a corpse.  Eventually I was wheeled away into the operating room. When I came round from the anaesthetic my husband was sitting on a chair beside me.  Instinctively I put my hand out to feel my belly – it was now as flat as a pancake. I turned my face to the wall and tried to be brave, blotting out the cries of newborn babies wailing in their bassinets.

A few days later, at Mahon airport, along  with a throng of tanned returning holiday makers, we boarded the aircraft that would take us home to Britain.  I’ll never forget peering down at the receding view of a dot of land in the middle of a twinkling blue sea, sad that we had left part of ourselves behind on that sunny Spanish island.

 

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My memoir

My memoir

 

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